Emotion regulation, the ability to control and effectively respond to emotions, is something all preschoolers are learning to do. Emotions can feel overwhelming and uncontrollable to a preschooler, and they will often look to their caregivers for guidance on how to deal with them. Often, however, your preschooler is not in an emotional state where calm discussion is effective or even helpful, especially in the heat of a tantrum or meltdown. So, in these moments, how can we help our preschoolers calm down to a more level state where talking about emotions is possible? Here are five techniques to try that focus on using physical activity rather than words to calm your child’s nervous system, bringing them to a place where emotional discussion is possible.

1. Arm and Leg Hugs

If your preschooler is open to being touched during the height of their emotions, one option is arm and leg hugs. Start by sitting down in front of your child so your eye levels are the same. Then take your hands and start giving your preschooler gentle squeezes on their thighs. Keep doing these gentle squeezes all the way down their legs to their feet. Then, do the same to their arms– squeeze their arms from shoulder to hand. Keep repeating these movements several times at a slow, steady rhythm, alternating between legs and arms. Calling them “arm and leg hugs” can sometimes help your preschooler be open to the idea when a real hug seems too overwhelming to them. You could also call them mini hugs, tiny hugs, or hand hugs.

2. The Push Game

This technique can be helpful when your preschooler is angry at you, or when they are restless, but there isn’t enough room for them to run around. Sit down so you are at the same eye level as your child. Put your hands out in front of you as if you are going to push on a wall. Instruct your preschooler to put their hands up to your hands, and for them to push back. Tell them to push on your hands as hard as they can for as long as they can. Usually, this will end up in someone’s hands slipping at some point, which can lead to giggles, or an excited request to try it again. This technique will use up a lot of your preschooler’s energy, as it takes a lot of muscle tension to do, but it is also a harmless way for your preschooler to feel like they are in control of the situation. They are able to push you without hurting you, and they are standing while you are sitting. This can actually be a pretty fun place for a preschooler to be! Plus, calling something a game never hurts. It can also be fun to add in animal growls or silly angry faces– while your preschooler may start out angry, after pretending to be a tiger for a while, they can start having fun. It may be important to tell your preschooler that they always need to ask before they play the push game, so you don’t find them abruptly pushing you whenever they feel angry or restless.

3. Rainbow Breathing

You may have heard of rainbow breathing before– it is a very useful technique. Usually, you complete a rainbow breath by using your finger to trace the first half of a rainbow up to the peak while breathing in, and then tracing your finger back down while breathing out. You can do this with your child while tracing your finger in the air, or on a printed picture of a rainbow. Sometimes, however, finger tracing is not enough, and your preschooler may need a more full body experience. To try a full body rainbow breath, breathe in while raising both your hands in a prayer position up the middle of your body until your arms are straight up in the air. Then, breathe out while using your hands to carve each side of the rainbow down while bending your head and abdomen forward. Bring your hands back together in the prayer position at the bottom, and breathe in while straightening up and raising your hands to start again. Try to have your child do this a minimum of seven times if possible, with a natural break of a number of seconds between each repetition.

4. Wiggle Monster

If you are unable to calm your child, but they are not unhappy (which can be the case when they are restless or overtired before a nap or bedtime), you can try the wiggle monster. The wiggle monster is an imaginary creature, like the Tooth Fairy, who is invisible and has the magic power to give someone the wiggles at any moment. The wiggle monster will often give someone the wiggles when that person has a lot of energy and is moving around already—he just wants to join in the fun! The only way to get the wiggle monster to leave you alone is to be completely still and frozen, because the wiggle monster will get bored and leave. Explain the wiggle monster to your preschooler at a time when they are calm and are able to learn about the rules of the wiggle monster. Then, when your preschooler has high energy, and is unable to calm down no matter how many times you ask them, you can pretend that the wiggle monster has arrived.

The wiggle monster works best if you are affected by him as well. Tell your preschooler, “Oh no! The wiggle monster is here! He’s given us the wiggles!” and prove this point by wiggling yourself! After a bit of wiggles, you can say “Oh thank goodness, the wiggle monster has left for a snack—we had better be frozen still and quiet so that he doesn’t come back.” However, once is usually not enough—your preschooler’s energy level, plus the excitement and fun of the wiggle monster, usually means that your preschooler cannot actually be still at first. So, the wiggle monster will probably find you and your preschooler again, giving you more wiggles, but then he will take another break, and your preschooler will have to be frozen. Each time, it should become easier for your preschooler to stay still and quiet when the wiggle monster is away. Finally, when your preschooler can be totally still and calm, the wiggle monster will leave you alone, and if it is your preschooler’s nap or bedtime, it can be helpful to tell them that the wiggle monster is also going to take a nap or go to bed.

With the wiggle monster, you are following your child’s silly or happy mood with a fun game, but you are practicing with them gaining control over their body. It can be a nice experience for a restless preschooler to let go of all muscle tension and wiggle all over, but then they have to rein their body back in to be still while the wiggle monster is away. You are showing your preschooler that it is okay to feel restless and to have energy, but it is also important that they know how to calm themself down when needed.

5. Drink of Water

This is by far the simplest technique, but one that can be useful when your preschooler is too upset or angry to participate in any of the other techniques. Drinking water has a soothing effect, not only because of the drinking itself, but also because your child must be somewhat still and regulate their breathing while they are drinking– you have to hold your breath to get down a gulp of water. You may find that your preschooler will angrily reject a drink of water, but sometimes they will accept it, and after just a couple sips they may have calmed down a bit.

Finally…

While all of these techniques may be nice in writing, any caregiver of a preschooler knows that they may love one technique one day and hate it the next. But, if you find that your preschooler latches onto or thoroughly enjoys one of these techniques, try to use it regularly. Having a familiar and consistent way of calming can help preschoolers calm down more quickly, and can also teach them how to calm themselves when you are not around. If you are finding that your preschooler angrily rejects anything you offer them when they are in the midst of a heightened emotion, try any of these techniques by yourself while your preschooler is watching– you can give yourself arm and leg hugs, and play the push game against a wall. Sometimes, just modeling yourself calming down through these techniques can be enough to get your preschooler to join in– especially if you seem to be having fun while you’re doing them. Plus, sometimes we can benefit from calming down in the midst of a difficult tantrum or meltdown.

Being a caregiver to a preschooler can be hard, and being a preschooler can be hard, but hopefully one of these techniques can make even a five-minute period smoother both for you and your preschooler.

For Further Reading:

Betty, A. (2013). Taming Tidal Waves: A Dance/Movement Therapy Approach to Supporting Emotion Regulation in Maltreated Children. American Journal of Dance Therapy, 35(1), 39–59. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10465-013-9152-3

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory; neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. (2011). Reference & Research Book News, 26(3). Copyright Clearance Center, Inc.

Schore, A. N. (2000). Attachment and the regulation of the right brain. Attachment & Human Development, 2(1), 23–47. https://doi.org/10.1080/146167300361309

Tortora, S. (2017). 38.3 The Dancing Dialogue: The Role of the Unspoken and the Creative Arts in Therapeutic Change With Infants, Children, and Their Families. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 56(10), S56–S57. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jaac.2017.07.221